Monday, December 5, 2016

urine sample 101

Class is in session.
If the title of this post didn't turn you away, then prepare to be educated.
If you're offended now that you saw the first picture ... run quickly.
No points deducted for weak ones.

I am very fortunate to be one who doesn't have to provide samples.
However, there were years where I did need to do that on a monthly basis at the lovely OB/GYN.
Many of you may still be in that wonderful stage of life.
Others may be undergoing procedures where pregnancy testing is necessary in preop.

That final option would be where I come in.
Sometimes I am the nurse who hands the cup and plastic bag to the patient.
I tell them "I only need 3 drops of urine. Please put the cup inside the bag, bring it with you and knock on that door when you're done."
Now I have had this pleasure many times and understand that counting drops might be
near to impossible. Nor do I expect you to start figuring out a way to do that. Nor do I expect you to drain the cup so that just 3 drops remain.
That part really isn't that important to me.

The other one is.
You see, more often than not, I am on the receiving side of the door.

In walks woman with this.
The only contact the cup and bag have are that one is sitting next to the other.
Not inside.
On top of.
At least in this case .. the cup is dry.
Small blessing.

Next up.
Someone who speaks English.
That means that she clearly heard the instructions, right?
She did.
The cup is inside the bag.
The outside of the bag has enough liquid on it to water my houseplants in a drought.
I don't want to know what the liquid is.
She seems sort of surprised when I won't touch the bag
and ask her to set it down on the shelf where it will live for a moment
until I'm duly gloved and ready to attack this little nasty.

And ... finally.
This woman does not have fingers or hands that suffer from arthritis.
They function just fine.
Maybe it was just a serious oops! moment.
Cup is inside the bag.
If I remember right ... the bag was probably unsealed ... not sure tho'.
Like if you can't screw the lid on ... you probably can't zip the bag either, right?
The urine has certainly escaped the cup.
And as is evident ... there are enough doses of 3 drops in the escaped portion
to make up for a weeks worth of urine samples .. maybe a months worth.
Nope. Didn't touch that one either.

 So, the lessons of this Urine Sample 101 class are numerous.

1. When you hear the word 3 drops ... it means your donation can be very minimal.

2. If you are somewhere that doesn't provide that little cabinet where you put your sample, and are being handed a plastic bag ... it is to protect the person on the receiving end.
Not only are you protecting the receiver ... do you really want your urine splashing all over the place? Serious. Be a mom of little boys. This almost equates with cleaning the bathroom after them.

3. Wipe the cup or the bag or whatever it is that got splashed clear all over the place. In this instance, a person is walking through a common public area with dripping fluids. Oh for yuck.

4. Try ... just try ... to follow instructions. If the instructions are too difficult to understand, please ask questions. Really. We really don't mind.

The next class will either be entitled Why Your Grandmother Told You to Wear Clean Underwear to the Doctor ... or something like that.
Betcha can't wait!

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